The Stories We Tell Ourselves and How to Change Them

The Stories We Tell Ourselves and How to Change Them

I began to notice the mess, especially in the morning. As the coffee brewed, I’d start the day feeling behind, like I had to clean up before I could enjoy my coffee.  Then I would sigh and try to have a talk with myself.  You know the kind of talk I’m talking about, don’t you?  It goes something like this:

Why won’t you do this?  It’s so easy!  It’s only 5 minutes.  What is wrong with you?   The more I had these thoughts, the easier it was to believe them. I began to think I wasn’t someone who could keep up with tidying up and once I believed it was true, I acted as though it was true. 

And that belief spilled into other areas.  My normally neat desk was messier.  I’d put my coat on the chair instead of hanging it up.  My keys got dropped in odd locations. The dishwasher didn’t get emptied.  I talked myself out of all sorts of things, because I believed I’d become someone who didn’t pick things ups easily.  And I had the proof.  So, I lived into that identity.  This is how false self patterns sneak into our lives and masquerade as our identity.

Your habits are not your identity.

What are False Self Patterns?

False self patterns are the thoughts, feelings, or actions that we adopt over time, often without realizing it.  They aren’t reflections of our true identity, but are shaped by our circumstances, our past, and our expectations of ourselves and of others.  

A false self pattern looks like

• Believing you’re “bad at follow through” because you’ve struggled with consistency in the past.
• Thinking you’re “disorganized” because life got busy, and your routines slipped.
• Assuming you’re “not a disciplined person” because you’ve had difficulty sticking to habits before.

These habits aren’t who you are.  They are just learned behaviors and that’s good news because learned behaviors can be unlearned.

What is Your True Self identity?

Your true self is who you are at your core, before you allowed comparison, past failures and self-doubt to define you.   

Your True Self sounds like:

• I am someone who creates order in my life, even in small ways.
• I am someone who follows through, even if it’s one step at a time.
• I am someone who is learning and growing, not stuck in the past.

Your True Self identity is about alignment.  It’s about stepping into the identity that reflects who God created you to be, not the limiting labels you’ve picked up along the way.

Your Habits Are Not Your Identity

You were not created to be stuck in a loop of self-defeating thoughts.  It’s easy to confuse the things we do (or don’t do) with who we are.   We start saying things like:

💭I’m not a morning person.

💭I’m not much of a planner.

💭I don’t really cook.

💭It’s too hard to keep the house clean.

💭I’m not much of a reader.

💭I don’t have time to do that.

It’s so sneaky.  A habit, or the lack of one, turns into an identity statement.  We believe it and surprise!  We act out the statement, making it true.  Wham bam!  Negative identity, right? 

No. Wrong. False self patterns aren’t your identity, and they aren’t mine.  They are behaviors that we’ve picked up along the way that aren’t giving us the best results. If we want to move away from these false self patterns, we have to do the work to learn to recognize them.

How To recognize False Self Patterns

When you are trying to figure out if a behavior has turned into an identity label, here are some things that might help…

1. Pay attention to your self-talk. What are you saying to yourself?  Are you labeling yourself based on behavior?
2. Ask yourself: Is it true? Not true as in Yes, I’ve been doing this, but true as in, is this who I am at my core?
3. Notice how it makes you feel. Do you feel empowered?  Or stuck?  Is it limiting you? Discouraging you?

Your answers will be your guide to help you figure out if it’s time to let this pattern go.

Reclaiming Intentional Habits Without Shame

Let’s go back to my five minute tidy struggle.

As some point, I stopped doing it, and instead of thinking, “Oh well, I got off track, no big deal,” I let it define me.  I didn’t challenge the thought.  If I had, I would have considered that fact that I am someone who loves a peaceful home. I do feel better when I reset my kitchen before bed.  Not only does it make my space look better, it seems to send a signal to my body to calm down and I sleep better.  I simply allowed the voice of my false self to be stronger.

So, if you’ve let a habit go and started believing it’s a reflection of who you are, it’s time for a shift.

1. Separate the behavior from your identity. You are not your habits.  You are not your lack of habits.  You are not your false self patterns.    Full stop.
2. Reframe your narrative. Talk to yourself like you would a good friend. Instead of “I’m not someone who…,” try “I’m someone who is learning to…”
3. Start small, without shame. Begin again, without guilt.  Allow do overs.

I started over by redefining success.  Just one night. Just one night of the five minute tidy.  Once it was done, I took an extra minute to soak in how good it felt.  And then I did it another night.  And then another.  We don’t have to fix a habit all at once. We need to take the time to retrain ourselves and remind ourselves of how the benefits feel.  I also have to acknowledge that that feeling isn’t enough to make me do this consistently when I’m trying to make it habit.  It’s just a piece of the process.  The biggest piece?   My thoughts.  

I’m not going to wait until I feel like doing that 5 minute tidy to do it.  I’m going to practice better thoughts like,  

💭“I’m someone who tidies up at night.” 

And while I’m saying it in my head or out loud, I’m going to take action.

You Get to Choose Who You Are Becoming

What false self patterns have you picked up along the way? Are you ready to let one or two go?  They don’t own you. They don’t get to tell you who you are.  They don’t get to boss you around.  What’s one small step you can take today toward reclaiming the truth about who you really are?  Choose a habit to step back into this week and see how it feels.

And I’ll be cheering you on as I do my five-minute tidy. 😉

Some books for the journey:

1. Soundtracks: The Surprising Solution to Overthinking (Overcome Toxic Thought Patterns and Take Control of Your Mindset) by Jon Acuff. I love the audible version of this book. It’s great for learning to reframe negative self-talk. 
2.  Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode—and into a Life of Connection and Joy by Aundi Kobler. A great book for reconnecting to our truest self.  She just published a new book, which I haven’t read, but does seem like it would fit. It’s called, Take What You Need, Soft Words for Hard Days.
3. Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts by Jennie Allen.  Helpful for learning to control your thoughts.

Some songs for the journey:

1. “Brave” by Sara Bareilles
2. “You Say” by Lauren Daigle
3. “Who You Say I Am” by Hillsong Worship