Start with the Shoes

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Last week, we talked about getting out of the courtroom in our head.

This week, we’re going to practice.

With shoes, because shoes by the door or all over the living room floor are mildly annoying and have been left out enough that we have a story in our head. (If it’s not shoes, maybe it’s school backpacks, used dishes, or wet bathroom towels. You pick.)

I’m going to walk us through shoes because most of us have shoes somewhere they do not belong.

Here’s how it usually goes:

You walk through the house at the end of the day and see shoes. Again. You sigh because apparently you are the only person who sees them. You mumble, mutter, or hiss, “How many times do I have to ask?” The answer is many, many times. Ugh.

So you decide to try this Nonviolent Communication (affiliate link) stuff.

You try to make a request. “Would you mind picking up your shoes?” But it’s really a demand. You aren’t really giving the other person the freedom to choose. It’s sort of a trap.

So you try again with the framework from the book.

1. What happened? Shoes were left out. (That’s all. No Llama drama)

2. What do I feel? Tired? Frustrated? Unappreciated?

3. What do I need? Help? Shared responsibility? Fewer shoes?

4. What am I asking for? Please put your shoes away. 

So the compassionate communication version is like this “It’s the end of the day. I’m tired. Please put your shoes away.”

No drama, llama or otherwise.

When we make a request, we practice telling the truth about what we need instead of making it about the other person’s “flaws.”

As we move into the next month, I hope you’ll use the month to practice.

Pick one thing…the shoes, the wet towels, the water bottles.

Follow the process.

1. What happened?

2. What do I feel?

3. What do I need?

4. What am I asking for?

Then practice asking.

And just like that, we are becoming women who practice communicating with compassion. Which is also the thought you can practice as you move into the next month. Hit reply and let me know what you’re practicing.

I made a set of coloring pages for this series so you don’t have to rush past the practice. You can print them, color them, and ponder one good thought at a time. Sign up for my website newsletter and you’ll find them in the Tools & Treasures Library, along with lots of other goodies.

If you're noticing a communication pattern you'd like help untangling, I'd be glad to help. Coaching is a place where we can slow down, look at what happened, name what you feel and need, and practice a clearer way forward.  Send me a message at paigekullmancoaching@gmail.com and we can start a conversation.

I'll be cheering you on,